How's your Eid holiday going? Mine is a little bit gloomy. As age goes older, those questions on Eid are terrifying. FYI, this is my 22nd Syawal. I performed full fasting since I was 10. Technically, I had been fasting 12 times (?)
As I met aunties and uncles, they asked me politely at the beginning "what semester are you right now?" I'd just happily answer that I'm in senior year. Only thesis writing credit left. This leads to the next question.
"So, what's next? How about marriage?"
Ouch. It totally hits me. I mean, society seems telling me that after graduating college you may soon enough ready to have family, make children (which I am not), and yes of course that-have-career "path" option too.
I don't really overthink it, yet I'm just aware that circumstances change here and there in my 20s.
First, I am observing that the life hierarchy may differ from people to people. At this early adulthood, another person may start a small business, some continue the higher study, less perhaps plan to start the young professional job, or like my society always tells me to have a family. Those options have their own pros and cons.
I quite know my options. Chances are I will continue master with scholarships, have a job in either freelance or full-time option, grow a media company from producing the podcast, or build an educational business start-up.
I guess my family background kind of scares me to have a family. Every house has its struggle, doesn't it? I haven't seen myself ready to serve a man since I'm always that childish girl at home. The one who was privileged enough to have someone doing chores for me until I got teenage's age.
Secondly, I just realized a heavy responsibility as the first kid in the family. We grow older, so do our parents. Ages can't lie. Surely enough, our parents' condition is worsening. This brings to other new ADAPTATION which is taking care of oldies. Something that I didn't really freak care about when I was younger.
"Our parents will become baby again as they get older." somebody said.
My patience is really being tested out right now. After in the end of January, my mom hospitalized a.g.a.i.n--I am in charge to take her into monthly check-up in hospital till I don't know what age--and now my dad is not in so good health condition. Today is his 11th night only COMPLAINING about his uncomfortable stomach and head condition while on bed rest.
My mother and my father have different behaviour when they got sick. I see my mom as a fully caring, optimistic, and all-those-feminine-adjectives-inserted-here lady. She always believed that someday she could serve the family properly again as she got better. Furthermore, my mom always TRIED HARD to keep leaving the bed to cook us a meal.
Whatever sickens her, she wakes up again and again and worries like "I feel so bad only laying on the bed all day long and not feed up my husband and my children." or simply a chatter like "Ouch, my head is spinning so bad, yet I HAVE TO WAKE UP to do household chores."
Quite the contrary, I see my dad always CONDEMN whenever he feels unwell even only having the flu or fever issue. He has that strong desire to not sick for a long time. Thus, he will grab any drugs as fast as possible. He will see a family doctor and get an injection and prescription to cure his problem FASTER. He will ask mom to take care and serve him fully even when mom is not in shape herself. My observation why he seems so snappy and inpatient when getting sick is because my dad is always strong and doesn't accept vulnerability as his value.
Friend's support wise, my mom is none about this. She doesn't connect to peer group since she is no cell phone in life. My siblings and I will receive warm messages only from our big family members or neighbours. Meanwhile, my dad always gets positive encouragement from his friends, family, distant acquaintance, and neighbours when a condition like this. He has quite a big network since he works among the public, private, and local site as well as he takes care of the leader position in most of his project and work.
Seeing all of these growing up makes me think.
Is dad being selfish? Doesn't he know the give-and-take rule in a relationship? Is this how women are treated culturally or how men behave morally?
Until this line perhaps you can guess why marriage seems so frightening for me. I have to admit that I take Quran study, I serve the community, or you can judge in short that I am so devoted to God and my religion which is Islam. But personality-wise, I love freedom. I whip from one decision to another decision quite easily. Naturally, I am easy to get bored seeing pattern.
I admit that I want a man who liberates me doing my thing. I have that "feminist" value deep inside my voice. At least, I don't want a family where patriarchy is the culture. I want a GOOD TEAMWORK and BALANCED gender role in doing household chores.
Click here to see more: ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME [15:41]
So, serving a man has not been quite not my agenda YET since I think most of the men in Indonesia will behave like my dad. However, I am fully aware that it's now my responsibility to heal my trauma to start a home with somebody.
Lastly, I spend most of my Eid holiday at home: reading books, updating Palestine from Instagram, making contents sometimes, and bingeing on Youtube vlogs and sitting videos. I think by now I have watched almost 90s videos?
Yes, this is still pandemic. I know being at home is a better option. However, I feel missing out when I see many family photos going into touristy places online. It has been quite some time I don't travel that much to a different city. I don't see any urgency?
Things that make me confused are 1) why do I like unsociable hobbies if I always got extrovert result whenever I took personality test? 2) Am I not into adventure? But why do I like watching and reading travel stories? and last but not least 3) do I prefer indoor to outdoor activities?
I need some scientific justification for my such "home buddy" behaviour. Is it due to my upbringing? We don't travel that much. I always see that weekend is the best time to take a rest at home: cleaning the house or slowing down in general. My theory perhaps it is because my dad works during weekdays, Saturday, and Sunday morning since I was a kid TILL NOW and he will always rest at home whenever he gets a holiday. My parents indirectly give me an idea of what "me time" is.
I saw an Instagram post about how certain personality has different ways to "calibrate" itself. Calibration here refers to how people slow down from routine. One may be okay to daring adventures, other may watch movie or read a book just like me, or simply some may talk to people. I think by now I have more self-awareness understanding than I had before.
Cheers,
Fanaya who is adapting to some circumstances of adulting.
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