Writing this in my senior year of uni. 2 weeks from now will be my 4th year of college. Normally, I should have got a title behind my name. I had imagined if I would have finished in 3.5 years since I made out all of the university credits perfectly fine. I lead myself to this vision since I applied to this uni with a gap year status and I was aware that I would be capable of doing this.
Little did I know, thesis writing sucked. 😔 Its multidimensional by nature made me reflect on a lot of things. My consultants, time management skills, administrative works, and eagerness to have self-regulation are being tested out.
First and foremost, learning in uni is not only mastering content. It's rather about the mechanism to process a concept. It's way very systematic. Do I love this? Yes, I do love structured thinking and analysis by this age of development. However, it teaches me about metacognition. Instead of learning what, I learn how to learn.
This mindset leads to some survival life competencies like critical thinking, innovation, and lifelong learning skill. Additionally, this shapes me into an understanding of education can be broadened into many meanings. I have stopped acquiring university credits, yet my job to learn has kept going no matter what. I can study whenever and wherever right? That makes me wonder, "why to bother getting a bachelor certificate then?"
As a result, I am taking as many opportunities as possible to direct my after-campus pursuits. Currently, I am being a part-time English tutor with many more groups. It requires 3-hour teaching, 1-hour commuting, 1-hour preparing the online lesson and 1-hour getting ready. Seems like a lot of work? For me, it's not. I love its arrangement and flexibility.
During weekends, I take care of my self-actualization journey. I follow webinars about writing skills, teacher training, or digital content making and management. I'm happily engaged with Islamic activism. Islamic activism makes me stay sane during the chaotic time. I love it. Video conferencing connects my world.
The bold highlight of my senior year is digital content making. My friends and I finally air on the internet. I have my podcast channel and sort of a "radio company". This is the work that I put with a lot of dedication, vision, and passion. They don't professionally pay me but I JUST LIKE IT.
I just do these things with full energy, but whenever I start my day with thesis writing, I just can focus on 1-2 hours long. Do I lose my motivation? Not really. I always chant to myself that I need to get a bachelor degree because I want to continue my master degree soon.
Do I like my research topic? I really do.
Do I seek help? Yes. I ask seniors. I ask prior researchers even.
I was about to ask this unmotivated-me problem with my academic supervisor but after reading her response I thought she did not know my concern of me "being left behind with my peers who are actually juniors by age and I am worried about it" So, I hindered myself from asking.
I was about to consult my ideas with my writing consultants but they were just being busy and answered text shortly. So, I thought it better not to disturb their time and let me do the writing first independently which sometimes I felt so lost in how to finish the draft.
Up until this point, I am aware that I took a path that may be foreign to society. I don't follow the industrial hierarchy (school times-degree-jobs-marriage-family-business). Those were done phase by phase. My condition right now is rather putting everything beginners must learn at a similar sequence of time. Oh, what a 20s problem!
Before writing this, I chatted with a friend who had to postpone her thesis writing because she had to work to make money for the family. I started to make mental notes of friends of mine who have done differently too. A campus mate married some months ago. A friend started a mega national success startup in his senior year. I read a book that showed data about Americans committing to get a diploma vs Americans finishing uni credits only. Which one is higher? Only finishing credit. They left uni without a degree, graduation party, and diploma certificate.
People took many differently colourful pathways leading to their success. They don't follow the standard. They take risks. I know they make difference and break the system, and these unique timelines make history. 100% acceptable.
However, letting go of my ambition to graduate with cumlaude cognition (ps. the uni requires me to finish my study on time to get this banner) is so hard and I feel so sad by now. I could not make my parents proud of me 😠They keep telling me "Then, it is the consequence. You will not be recognized as the cum laude student." What an irony.
We can't cry over split milk, can we? What I should do now is awareness. I believe that writing a diary helps me grow acceptance better. By now, I really mean the words I read on AA Tuesday Love Letter that life is actually a full waiting game. I am now waiting my divine time. I can't force my timeline every time. It's originally His plan with me figuring out whatever possible things I should work on to make it come true.
Cheers,
Fanaya
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