Hi, 2020. First of all, thank you Allah for reaching me into 21 years of life.
I opened this year by crying and I felt deeply relieved after crying because of Him. I blamed myself to Him for being a very bad daughter for my mama this year and very bad sister example for my siblings.
Family matters had been so hard in 2019 that sometimes I almost give up to make a new one in the future. That being said, I have been so afraid of a concept of being a married woman, to be with someone else that new to me, perhaps very different to me. Secondly, the burden, I mean, domestic responsibility that I should take every day. Last but not least, sharing financial matter to somebody you don't know before.
The trend now in youth Indonesian Muslim urban community seems to promote to get married as soon as possible to be a better version of a human being. Well, in my condition, I am totally the opposite. I'm not ready yet. I do mean it. Besides, there is still no candidate to whom I will marry, I am too frustrated to think about the knowledge of being a good wife, then, a good mother that I should master.
Here's the case
I do think that I have been failed at being a very good sister, to become an example of another generation is super hard in my opinion. I am learning this role day by day because of an accident actually, not because of an exact theory.
The worse part: I am insecure enough of these questions
So then later on, how hard is the responsibility of being a wife and a mother? Will I be able to do it?
Where do I get the support and knowledge? Is the motherhood practice will be harder than the theory? or will it be funnier?
I've been wondering these questions recently in a very serious tone. This leads me to think to postpone early marriage after graduating from the undergraduate study because I feel I haven't been competence to handle such a big duty. I haven't been ready to spend most of my life with a stranger. I want to explore more about myself. Moreover, if only God allow me to marry my own self, I want to marry her haha. I give so damn self-love or narcism, I know. I want to be only with myself for this time for learning together about life.
Then the worse case (again), I am comparing these complimentary two roles often.
I haven't been able to imagine yet how I become a good mother for the next generation. The thing is I am a preservice English teacher. I am learning how to handle learners to be engaged actively learning English. I do admit that it is a very challenging job. The journey of "just to be a good English teacher" that perhaps will not be a sustainable job in my entire life, just in case, who knows that Gen Z starts learning English from the internet by themself? I need 4 years straight with a lot of courses, tasks, discussion, projects, a lot of workshops, and journal reading to keep us updated to a new trend in English Language Teaching. Indeed, those are a bit too much for a future job that may be extinct someday.
Then, I'm thinking. Becoming a mother means taking care of children or the next generation. It takes bigger responsibility. Doing laundry, preparing breakfast, dressing up children and husband, educate my children to be good citizen bla bla bla bla. Those will be my every day's morning routine whenever I wake up. And I don't prepare anything like 4 years straight education with a lot of formative assessments. Perhaps, motherhood/parenthood/sisterhood/marriage is a concept that you have to live with, practice it by doing, and experience it every single day.
Should I stop by now? This overthinking gives me nerve, seriously.
I just want to say to myself that, keep learning because being older is not only about the big age but also wisdom. It's okay to think like this one. Let the nerve and guilt go into your soul. Just because of this feeling that God gave, you will prepare everything starting from of how to be a better person, to choose a good husband, to make a nice harmony family, to become a joyful mother of my own generation, and until whatever roles that separate me from life.
 |
| 2019 was so amazing!! but my highlighted moment goes to this photograph. Me becoming bridesmaid for my best friend in deen's wedding party. (She was just 19 almost 20 when she got the new duty of a man, then several months later, a little pumpkin in her belly). Allah bless you, your husband, and the soon-to-be-born baby :) |
Lastly, the very last
"Man proposed, God dispose." I don't want to decide strictly of procrastinating marriage just because I'm afraid. Sooner or later, that day will come. I just need to prepare and learn everything by now. So, let alone Allah plan my life journey better so that I will meet back Him in my very best good condition.
p.s. note to myself:
I'll update how it feels when the day to that moment is welcoming me. I'll keep writing. Pinky little promise. :)
Comments
Post a Comment